I'm confused. What is going on here??
I am actually a We. That means there's more than one of us rolling around inside this body / brain of ours!We've been through a lot in our lives over the last few decades, and our mind split to bits as a result. We've had to learn how to work together, and soup around as we say, in order to best survive what life threw our way.It honestly took a while to get to this point; there was a lot of denial and emotional dysregulation in the beginning. Confusion and shame. Lack of resources and community (that wasn't full of drama).BUT... embracing this plural existence of ours was important and almost necessary to begin our healing. We were really struggling before as a single unit, and function infinitely better now as several, even with all the chaos that comes with this condition. We truly couldn't imagine living any other way.As the adage goes: if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
What is a "system"?
Pretty much what it sounds like; multiple elements that work together to function as a whole, but instead of physical mechanics (EX. gears), it's different consciousnesses working together as members of the ultimate Union.Some systems are multiple, as in separate people, while some still feel plural but gravitate more towards terms like median, which generally means less independence or separation between members. Some are a mix of things, which just happens to be how we roll.. And some don't identify as systems at all.
What is being "plural" like?
We are several consciousnesses stuffed into a single vessel; sharing time, space, and a brain. We have varying ages, appearances, preferences, abilities, (special) interests, personal identities, and more !There's one main guy who's pretty much always around, and others who freely come and go. Some more often and/or for longer than others. Who shows up and for how long is generally determined by what is currently going on in the physical world. The more stress, the greater likelihood for somebody to appear.We generally share awareness, some memories, and bodily control (albeit limited). We may crave different music or foods. Certain preferences or skills may wane. Emotions might become heightened. But it's subtle.We also tend to blend and blur together to become a collaborative brain soup, hence the name. In this state, verbalizing things can become overwhelming and we may need to switch to nonverbal communication (EX. texting, emojis, ASL, etc).
How many of you even are there?
Total? There are somewhere upwards of 20 of us at the moment. It sounds like a lot, we know. The key fact to remember here though is that they are not always active and never all at the same time.It's generally two fronting at a time, sometimes three. It's rarely, if ever, been more than that.Are there preferred terms to use? And others that should be avoided?
That definitely varies per system. We personally prefer the term headmates to alters, but use both and parts and even more joke-y nicknames like brain buddies as well. We, however, do not use "personality" because it does not accurately represent our experiences. Personality = who you are, not what you are.If talking about us as a group, we will most often use the term system, but also collective or hivemind, depending on the vibe at the time. The same goes for being multiple / plural. It truly depends on how medical and serious versus funny we want to be in the moment.
So you're fully aware of one another?!
Yes! That happens sometimes; likely more often than most people would care to believe. Every experience is different, of course, but self-awareness is a lot more common than what's portrayed in media about dissociative disorders.We personally do NOT experience the stereotypical "full switches" seen in films, where one part/person enters front as another exits, and then has no memory of anything prior. That is just a single experience. We remain very aware of one another, and yet none of us are seemingly able to "fully take control".We use what's commonly referred to as internal communication to "pass notes" to each other in our head, and work together to get our needs met. It usually doesn't show on the outside; our voice and mannerisms won't abruptly shift. If you were to speak to us or see us out and about, you'd probably never suspect what kind of chaos is bubbling just below the surface.How are we able to do this? A lack of amnesiac barriers between us all. In medical DID terms, this is called integration. Or healthy / functional multiplicity.
"The Van Theory"
Metaphor for fronting that describes it as more of a spectrum of collaborate effort(s) than a binary, individual experience.Some compare plurality to being in a van or going on a road trip with friends/family. There is generally a designated driver, a co-pilot (or two), and the rest of the passengers. There are bound to be some "backseat drivers", affecting the overall vibes of the space, but it won't change things substantially. Roles won't change for an individual's wants, but for overall collective need.
How did you know? Were there signs?
A lot of dissociation, depersonalization and derealization episodes, and panic attacks. Inner voices that talked back when spoken to. Feeling like somebody else. Resonating with others' experiences / testimonies.Eventually we discussed things with our therapist, and she helped test us to confirm it. This included filling out forms and answering questions for something called the MID-60. We aced it, obviously. Now here we are, all these years later... still going strong...
Do your friends and family know?
We're pretty open about our experiences online, but definitely more covert IRL as a safety precaution. The majority of our friends know and/or are systems themselves, so it's not much of an issue. Our family is aware of some things and not others, but are overall very supportive of us. It goes without saying, but we would appreciate the upmost privacy on the matter.What is the best/worst thing about DID? The funniest? The weirdest? The cringiest?
Best = never being left alone again
Worst = not having our own bodies
Funniest = ordering food and then vanishing
Weirdest = one word: werewolves. or sex
Cringiest = the inability to pass by a toy store without buying something
Are you diagnosed? Are they sure?
Yes (not that it matters), and yes...?We are blessed to have a therapist with knowledge and experience surrounding CDDs. We know how difficult it is to access quality mental healthcare --as it took us forever to find her-- so we refuse to judge people who self-dx. Straight up. It's what we did, and we ended up being correct! We were willing to be wrong, but we weren't, and that's what should matter. We listened to our feelings and followed them to the truth.Reminder that nobody is owed access to another's medical history or diagnoses. They're often used against patients anyways, so some therapists even keep it "off the record" for our own protection. A diagnosis code does not a disorder make!!!
So if you're pro self-dx, are you pro ___?
We are pro being true to yourself, whatever that means and however that may be expressed. If nobody is harmed, then what is the issue? If they're willing to be wrong, what is the harm? Nobody should be told how to exist "properly", but everybody should be believed when it comes to the labels they use for themselves.We are pro good faith self ID and pro self-dx. We are supportive of all system types and origins. We are anti anti endo. System discourse is boring! Let people exist.Life is hard enough as it is, is it not?
